Still cant forgive myself.

Now i cannot sleep. Photos empty. The engagement, kids day, rayyan, cousins, family, house, fish, frst pic, us, n lots of thing r gone. Cant retrieve it bcoz never back up since buy it. The frst time cnnct to itunes, it should be set as new iphone. But y on earth did i click restore back up. Shit myself. This is the second time in my life this stupid thing happen to me. All my contacts r gone. Now i cnt contact some person bcoz i dont have their number. N most of them is a very important person for my work. Shit man. This is not happening.plz tell me its only a dream. A nightmare or sumthng. I cant face the truth. I am so terribly sad. The engagement cant b repeat. Oh shit. Now i feel guilty to my cousin. How can i face her. The only pic we have n now it is gone. Bravo me. Huhuhu. :'( just this morning i had a look with my photos. Lots of it. N now? I'm being 2 emotional with this thing. I Dont cry when ths happen for the first time. But now i cant stop crying. Like a baby. Dear god. Please help me. Show me the way to orget this. Its stuck in head. Will effect me for few days. :( hm. 

This is so F word!

Y is this happening. I'm really crying. This cant b more worst. I hate myself. How can i do such stupid big mistake. Y oh y? This is so unforgivable. Shit shit shit! All of it is gone. GONE! G.O.N.E gone! I'm so fucked up. What can i do. Wuaaa. No back up. No anything. No warning. Stupid itunes. I hate u! U make me suffer. I just lost my everything! everything important. her pics! OMG. Help me.

What is this feeling?

Haha. Nobody to talk to, so i end up talking with myself in this blog. Bcoz i cant keep it to myself forever. I need place to express my feeling. So what is this feeling. This problem keep on happening over n over again. When i luv sum1, i will have ths stupid fucking cycle. The feeling start to grow n then it start to fade n i bcome scared of that person. Its like seeing a ghost u know. At night i will have nightmare about them. I cant even look at their face in normal way. They look different. Sometimes it make me shiver. Not in a good way. I miss u but i'm scared. I wnt to find u but i cant. N luckily u dont find me 2. U dont text me and ths make things easier n worst at the same time. Its torturing. Shit man. Y is this happening? U'r not even my gf. We dont declare. N still it happen. Do u know how much i miss u. Of coz u dont. U dont even have time to think about me. But y did i have this feeling on u. Not other people. Its hard to act normal during ths situation. Hard to smile. Hard everything. This is one side feeling but it end up like we're both in luv. This weird thing always happen when i declare. Never happen other thn that. This is the first it happen to one side feeling. I see u as a different person now. N u just let it happen bcoz u dont care. Hahaha. I wnt to at least smile at u or treat u like bfore, but i just cant. U look like a ghost to me. I'm scared of u. I dont like u. N i hate this feeling. From 100% luv it become -30% luv. What is that. Y is that? I dunno i dont care anymore. It wont change anything so just let it be. Follow the flow. Haha. Oklah. I really need some sleep. Ths bz thingy is really helpful during my forgetting sum1 process. So once again, gud nite to myself. Hope no nightmare for tonight. Adios. 

Expectation!

In this fucking world, everybody have their own expectation. It doesn't matter about what. It is good to expect, but y cant they have faith with their own children. Your expectation is very high n yet u dont believe that your child can reach your expectation. I do everything tht u ask me to. But still it is not enough. Yes i am not perfect. I'm still learning. In this world, so far there is only two person tht understand my feeling. Bcoz they face the same thing as i do. When we talk, its like a never ending story. We become like this bcoz of our parents. But compare to the three of us, there is pros n cons here n there. The worst part is when everything had been plan for u. At work, i must learn about everything, learn this n that. How to handle things, how to handle staff. They 1 u to know everythng so that in future they can count on u n let u run the business without feeling worried. It is not an easy task to run a business n managing people. Trust me, u dont 1 to knw the feeling. Hm. Previously i cant run from my responsibility. I am the nominee. 1 day that business will belong to me. That is y i must learn everything n they expose me to lots of thing. They show me how its like so that i have interest to take over the business. But now, i have an option which obviously i take this opportunity to run. But it still depend on the outcome. If fail, thn i will stuck here for he rest of my life. N i pray hard tht everythng will b according to plan. Latest plan. So i had try my luck n now we just wait for the result. I like working with my parents but at the same time i hate working with them. But look at the bright side. I can help them so they can relax n enjoy their retirement, dapat pahala like they always say. Dosa pun dpt juak pd ms yg sm. That is wht they dunno. Huhu.  I am grateful even i dont look like it. I want to help n to follow everything u had plan. But i'm just... I dunno. Need space i guess. Hm. I think i should stop here. Nite n bye.

Just doing my job...

Well i guess every organization have their own goal n target. Every organization also have their own KPI. So today is the first month for new salary. And i just reviewed my staff knowledge which emphasize on some ethics that they must follow.  Before i give their salary i asked them a question n what they knw about that thing. So overall was hm? How should i say. I'm not satisfied. But i'm ok with the effort. Not so happy but grateful at the same time bcoz they are trying their best to answer me. But they must know that i really hate when they answer me "i dont know". How can u say u dunno when u must know. It's not acceptable when u say u dunno. At least try to answer before u say u dunno. They should also know that i'm doing this not bcoz i want 2. But i have 2. In order to achieve our target we must try our best n cooperate with each other. Bcoz we work as a team. I'm doing it bcoz i want to increase my work performance n your performance. I want to improve my managing style n i wnt to improve your working style n environment. This is for your own good n for the sake of our workplace. If i do nothing, if we as the management team dont guide u to do your work properly, will u do it right? Our job is to train n educate u guys so that u will b a better person n worker. If i dont check your knowledge about our ethics, services and products, will i know how far is your knowledge about it? No right. I wont know anything about your performance. I dont knw whether or not u'r doing the right thing. U wont knw your performance n u wont improve if i dont tell u this. Whts the point if we dunno anything. Nothing to achieve, nothing to improve, nothing everything. No point at all. So that is the purpose for today review, to check n to confirm your knowledge n understanding, to help u to gain more knowledge about it, to improve your performance to advice u about what u should do n should not and to learn together with u about the work ethics. Besides that i wnt u to implement it not just know it. Dont just memorize, but understand it. I dont do this to make u down. But i do this to help u. So that all of us can together provide the best n achieve our goal. The goal n mission is to be the best out of the best. In order to achieve that we must help each other n motivate each other. My style n rule is simple. My rule is to follow the rules n procedure. If u cant follow it is not bcoz u cant. But u dont wnt. If u have that kind of attitude, no matter where u go u just dont worth it. Any place u work will result with disappointment.. So change your attitude and your mind. Open your mind n be positive. Look at the bright side. Bcoz this is an opportunity to learn. An experience for your future. I think thats all for tonite. I am tired n sleepy. So i am going to sleep now. Gud nite world.

Tunggang langgang.

Ya bena bz bulan tok. Sampe hidup pun xtentu dah. Makan xbetul. Rosak diet. Harap pat bertahan pe 4 feb. ari2 penat. Pengsan jak x. Lmk dah xbsukan. Lamak juak dah msg nya. Lmk kah? Hm. Lmk bagi aku. Apa mok d krepak tok. Currently buka vacancy utk cashier cum kerani. Sorg pmpn. Mudahan dpt cepat. So that dpt ato normal balit syif. Ngantuk eh. Ritok awal da jak g kja. Now otw g brunch ngn bpk. Sekian saja report sendiri utk hr ni. Lak ada kesempAtan aku report lg. caw.

Y did i fall in luv?

I keep asking myself the same question over n over again. Y did i? Should i fall for her? She dont even wnt to be with me. Dear god, y did u open my heart to sum1 that cant b mine. Almost everyday looking at u and feels like i wnt u to b in my arms forever. But its just a dream. That will never come true. Texting u every single day to brighten up my day. To knw about u so that i knw everythng about u. Damn i miss u so much. U just took my heart away n throw it like it has no value. But still i luv u. Luv u every breathe of my heart. U always on mind. U always awe me. N i wnt u to b the 1. U make me forget about the others just like that. I luv u bcoz of u. U yourself n who u r. N i want to b with u. Only with u.

Busy day busy me.

Ai. Bz bz bz. Hujung bulan yang memenatkan. So many things to do. So damn tired. Epay dah settle. Rokok lagi tinggal. Esok public holiday. Pagi gi jalan bintang. Then gi Belait lagik. huhu. Malasnya. Dahla kereta koto xda time mok cuci. Malu da jak driving koto gya. Hm. Ubah topic lok. Pahallah orang susah gilak mok percaya yang aku tok single? Tengok upa pun tauk bah aku single. Kenakla org sentiasa berfikiran yang aku tok banyak gerek. Haha. Muka baik apa. Ubah topic gik. Dah tengok moto nya baruk lega rasa hati. Ingat dah xda sia lagi. Fon number pun dah xpat di contact. Risau eh. Down rasa bila nya pun moto xda sia. Klah. Thats all for tonight. Xda cita juak sebenarnya. Bz keja jak. Bye.

Happy 2 years!

Happy 2 years old baby city. Time sure is moving fast. I cant believed that u already 2 years old. It seems like yesterday. Omg. I still waiting for my road tax. Hopefully it will be ready by this week. And pray for no road block. Or else i will get fine. Could not wash city for today. I am so bz n tired. Hope i can wash u tomorrow. Thnk u for 2 wonderful years together. U still the best. The performance still like u were new. That is y i luv honda product. Quality is the best. So once again city, happy birthday.

Where is my dup dup???

Today, is a very challenging day. In fact it is the most stressful day to us. Yes it is stress n tiring when your future n finance is depending on that thing. We still have a lot. But we must prepare for the worse. Because it will get worse. By patterns n prediction, it is not a good sign. Enough with that story. I try to avoid it for a moment. So move on to the next story. I think today is very unfortunate day for me. I lost a bet tonight. Huhu. Besides that, i am happy a little bit after seeing her. But ashamed at the same time bcoz she heard me crying during our fon call. Well yes i do can cry. Bcoz the burden is really killing me. My family, my work n my everything. All i wnt is to hear her voice so that i can stay calm. But before i can control my feeling my tears just start running without even thinking about my pride. Funny doh. How can i cry just like that. Luckily i'm ok when i meet her. This is the first time i meet her more than 1 hour just the 2 of us. Eventhough the meeting is quite funny bcoz there's a divider between us. She's inside her house gate n i'm outside. But we manage to talk for quite a while. N i luv it bcoz it's just talk. But i start wondering something, on my way to see her, i dont feel my heart beat racing. I just felt cold. Where did my dup dup go? When i'm standing in front of her, the dup dup still not with me. Until i go back, i feel calm n nothing. No dup dup, nothing. Just simple me talking with her. No eye contact, no staring, no more cold and definitely no dup dup. Normal i think. Does this mean something? Indeed it does. But let just keep it in my mind. Bcoz i want to sleep. It's late n tomorrow i have to wake up early. So gud nite world. N thanx blog for listening.

New lappy

Lappy 1 day old. Acer ultra thin with 8gb RAM. just perfect for i dunno what. Come with window7 n 8. Touch screen. Truly cool. Silver colour. Very smart. I guess this year all my new gadget wont be black. Iphone 5 white. This one is silver. I  dunno y i cant have black. Always no stock. No luck i guess. Dad bought for me this lappy just so that we can use it with hdmi cable and plug it with our smart tv. Funny. But it is good for future use. Ipad 2 dah berdebu. No use at all. Excited for a few weeks. And thn become decoration inside my room. Rugi doh. Hm. This month spend like there is no tomorrow. Over spend already. Should stop shopping i guess. Lamak lagi mok tunggu 28 Jan. Btw, u look stunning just now. hahaha.

Cuti cuti sendiri.

Sakitnya sakit. Hari tok demam dah ok. Flu ckit gik n batuk pun xda glk. Badan still sakit. Kali oleh men badminton n banyak gilak baring. Yala memaksa gilak badan ya. Kan dah susah sendiri. Patut hari tok dah boleh g keja. P boss suruh dok umah jak. Boring. Xda buat apa. Perlu perfi berurut secepat mungkin. Hm. Eh. Telinga aku tetiba hilang pendengaran sebelah. Apakah. Pelik. Boh duli. Sakitnya rindu. Yea. Berjaya x msg n cari nya tok 2 hari. Walaupun pahit namun mesti di telan. I am done chasing u. Even i really miss u. I just dont 1 to hurt myself n my feeling anymore. I gv up. Yeah. Just like tht. Gv up. My new policy is dont look for anyone unless they look for u. Easy enough. Hm. Tatatatatata.

What a day?

Damn sakit gila. Since morning dah sakit. Dari sakit mata sampe ke batuk den demam den sakit jiwa raga sakit hati sakit segala-gala. Argh!! Shoot bena. Shoot gilak-gilak. Pleaselah, janganlah jatuh sakit dolok. Tunggu suma ok lok. Tolonglah. Aku belum boleh sakit gik. Nasiblah mata dapat buka tadi. Walaupun di paksa. Terima kasih kat gum mata yang banyak membantu. Mudahan esok ok so dapat men badminton dengan baik. Hehe. Ingat ritok mok tenangkan fikiran ngn men basikal. P gagal nampaknya. Sunyi gilak fon ritok. Sunyi macam hati aku juak. Sakitnya jatuh hati. what did I do to deserve this kind of punishment? Sakitnya rasa bila xtauk salah apa. So many assumption inside my head. Y did u go. Y did u leave me here n make me wonder y n what the hell did I do wrong? Do u love me? Or do u hate me? At least tell me y. This is so not fair. I hate this feeling.  People, they dont understand me. N they will never ever understand me. I am complicated n confusing. But i am such an easy person to handle. I get mad easily. After that i'll b ok. I cant b mad at u for so long. I luv u. And of course i am a very jealous guy. I dun 1 to get mad. I dun 1 to show u my true feeling. I dont mean to hurt u. I dun 1 to hurt u. But i just cant control my feeling. I am so very terribly jealous when u talk about other guy. But what can i do. I always screw up. Hm. I guess it is my fault. Even i dunno what it is. I cant stop thinking about u. But i will try my very best to forget u. To forget us. It wont happen i guess. Us is not a good combination. I should just stay alone. Forever alone. Bcoz i'm such an arrogant, irresponsible, wild, selfish, playboy and no feeling little bastard. I clearly dun deserve u. And dun worry, I just deleted your number from my fon. So i wont be able to msg or call u again. I hope u'll b hepi. I wont disturb u. I just stay here quietly. Damn myself. damn my heart. Feel like crying my heart out. But the tears is very stubborn. So that's all for now. Bye.

Books

Tahun tok di mulakan dengan membaca buku. Baru habis baca clockwork prince few days back. Then start reading fifty shades of grey trilogy. Baru start ngn first book. Nang wowlah. No wonder nya sangat famous. Hahahaha. Leh kenja bila baca sal ya. P interesting. Aku mok jadi macam christian grey ya. Hehe. Ai. Datang gatal pulak. Mata bersinar-sinar bila gatal. No wonder ari tok sangat gatal. Terpengaruh ngn buku ya udah. Habis baca lak comment gine ending nya. So far book ya ok. Sangat ok. Interesting and addicted ok. Klah. Thats all for tonight.

Panda poem

Life, it is moving around,

Sometimes up, sometimes down.

Love, make my whole world goes round,

Even it's up nor it's down.

You, the reason I'm hanging around,

And I, will love you till the end of dawn.

                               - Arieq ralphfiq 2013-

Apa punya poemlah macam ya. merepek da jak. nang sesuai k panda pun poem. Huhu

Home sweet home

Yea. finally, genap seminggu. akhirnya mama dah release dr hospital. malam tok tdo umah dah. lega rasa. belakang sangat sakit.bisa gilak. p oleh kerana banyak benda mok diuruskan terpaksalah menggagahkan diri untuk kesana sini walaupun badan dah btl btl xlarat. I miss home so much. Miss my bed n my sofa. n yang paling penting miss my ikan so much. pastok dapat la tido lena. lamak dah xcukup tido n xcukup rehat. dapat bersukan balit. yea. hehehe. happy lak tetiba. :)

New fon

Well, aku baru beli fon baru petang tek. Iphone5 is now in hand. Get it for rm999. 16gbwith white colour. I want black. But finish stock. So i guess white should still be ok for me doh. Hehe. Screen colour kacak. Pic pun kacak. Screen pnjg dr iphone4. Iphone 4 xtauk mok bt apa. Mok d jual. P mcm syg jak. Mok d masuk jd collection syg juak. Sbb simkad xsm size. Xpat jd spare fon. Nektok bw 3 fon. Hehe. Ada org da mok bli ifon 4 tok. P tgkla gne. Nektok masih kat hospital. Lmk my mom knk admit. Eh. Melalut lak cta new fon tok. Kla. Bye. Xtauk mok ckp apa. Org gila dr td msg.

Fuck u syarikat harimau!!!

I am so fucking angry that i'm about to kill some people right now. Not a very good morning. Very bad day. Very bad mood. Xpat lepas marah kat apa2. terpaksa mengamuk lam blog macam org gila. Fuck u syarikat harimau. Ko buat aku meradang dan sakit belakang. Untuk memulakan cerita marah aku, as usual aku gi bank in collection kat syarikat harimau. So bila aku datang aku tengok ada sorang q rah pintu no. 7. den sorang gik kat dalam. Since bapak suruh aku ambik number takut tunggu lamak. aku pun pegilah ambik number. So tunggu punya tunggu, masuklah org yg q depan aku ya. den aku pun terus sabar menunggu. Den number aku sampe dolok, so i went to the counter 1. p malangnya pompuan rah counter ya padah nya xboleh timak duit aku. aku mesti jua q rah pintu no. 7 sebab ada 18 org mok bank in rah counter. Nya say sorry n paksa aku tunggu rah pintu 7. So aku tetap sabar and pergi balit q kat pintu 7. And malangnya time aku g counter ya ada sorang laki dah q lagi kat pintu 7. So aku kenak tunggu blakangnya pulak. Ok ya xpa. sebab salah aku lari dari q. Punyalah lamak mek duak q. Den baruk org laki ya kuar den masuklah laki yg q depan aku tek. Aku ingat nya kejap jak. so xkisahlah. P boleh tahan juak lamaknya. Still aku masih tunggu ngn penuh kesabaran walaupun kaki rasa mok patah n belakang rasa mok tercaut sebab dah berdiri sejam lebih rasa aku.aku just dpt duduk kejap jak sbb takut kenak potong q oleh mamat digi b4 ya. So time aku tunggu ya, tetiba datang duak org mamat kat counter 1. Xtauk apa cita, tetiba cdak di suruh gi masuk kat pintu 7 juak. N yang paling best bila laki lam ya tek kuar cdak masuk dolok dari aku. sbb officer syarikat harimau bodoh yg maybe in charge kat atas ya suruh cdak  masuk dolok tanpa peduli aku yg dah q sia sejam lebih. N mamat ya blh plak padah aku manager suruh nya masuk dolok. N yg konon manager ya tek suruhnya masuk n xcakap sorry or apa2 kat aku dan buat aku macam org bodo kat luar ya tunggu lagi. walaupun org dalam dah tunggah aku suruh masuk pun xpat juak. So aku apa lagi masih sopan santun sebagai rakyat malaysia mula datang antu p tetap control utk menjaga reputasi keluarga. Cuma mampu menyumpah lam hp n bersadu ngn kawan yg keja di syarikat sama sambil buat muka pembunuh tunggu depan pintu ya. Post tok bukan untuk apa-apa. P sekadar pengajaran kepada syarikat berkenaan yg ktk org xpatut buat customer macam ya lebih2 lagi customer tetap ktk org. aku pun banyak keja n ada keja lain mok dibuat selain dari menunggu mcm org bodoh dpn pintu 7. plus today is friday so bapak aku knk gi solat jumaat. aku xkisah tunggu lamak if betul2 q ya pnjng. p aku sgt marah bila aku tunggu sejam setgh n org lain nyaman2 potong q atas bantuan org dlm. respectlah org yg q. bukan ktk org jak bgaut. akibat kejadian tok telah menyebabkan aku ngn bapak aku xpat bt kja lain n terpaksa menangguh keja ke masa lain. Now knk balit hospital jaga mak aku. And i am super tired oleh benda remeh macam tok yg sgt menyusahkan org sbb kepentingan org-org bodoh. Selfish gila babi. Xda manner n xhormat org. aku x kisah gilak sal mamat ptng q. p aku sgt kisah sbb org syarikat yg srh nya potong q. Org yg sgt tidak bertamadun. Sgt tidak bertimbang rs. Dan sgt biadap. sekian terima kasih. luahan hati yg sgt pnjg. bye.

2013

Hello 2013. Well, not a very gud start for a year. My mom kenak admit kat columbia asia hospital since 1st jan 13. N i am so damn tired. But i'll try my best to be fit during ths critical moment. I must stay healthy so i can take good care of her. 1st time in life sleeping at hospital. Cant sleep at all. Going to work without taking bath. My whole body is really painful. I thnk i can even sleep while walking. But i dun care. As long as i'm wth mom i'll b ok. So many visitor since yesterday. Wish she was wth me during ths time. But wht can i do. Still aku bersyukur sbb dpt tgk nya td. Walaupun sekejap. Even just for 1 second, i am very thnkful. Just looking at u and watch u smile can make me forget about my pain n tiredness. I guess thats all for today. Gtg.